1- Excess baggage.
Adults shall not become laden with cups, crisps, dummies, toys, nappies, wipes, bags, Tupperware, spare clothes, coats, fruit, waterproofs, books, tambourine? hats, more frigging Tupperware, biscuits, calpol, thermometer, fruit, hair clips, vests, and yes – an extra Tupperware lid which fits NOTHING thrown in for good measure.
Adults shall not trudge this mountain of jinglyjanglyhalfchewedchildrelatedparaphernalia around from place to place, unable to find anything in an unnecessarily huge baby bag and leaving a trail of crumbs / snot / socks a la Hansel and Gretal.
2- An unhealthy diet.
Adults shall not think it is appropriate to have an ’emergency sausage roll’ three days on the run, or allow child to sit inside the fish and chips box whilst stuffing face with said fried loveliness.
Adults shall not bend all rules around ice-cream, cakes and chocolate which results in a sugar high child making crazed mmmmmm sounds in response to the delicious sweetness.
Adults shall not repeatedly tell themselves it’s ok because it’s a holiday – they know there will be consequences both in nappies and in future meal times.
Treats do not prosper.
3- Chore scores.
Adults shall remember at all times that they are a team. Children who spot cracks will exploit them and so adults must be united.
Adults must not mentally tally up the number of times they change a nappy / get up in the night / do the dishes / cook tea / bath the baby / find the dummy / tidy up at the end of every single bloody day.
Adults should certainly never throw this mental tally in the face of their unsuspecting partner during a heated conversation…….
4- Taking advantage of Gran / Grandad / Aunt / Brother.
Adults shall not arrive at said relatives house and hot-foot it out of there without child at the first available opportunity.
Adults should not pack their bags for the short stay away with some going out clothes and a lippy on top (for easy access), ‘just in case’ they get to sneak off for a G and T.
If the opportunity occurs and adults do manage to enlist the babysitting powers of the relative, they should definitely stick to the one hour promise of absence and not string it out to three. Or four.
Adults shall not resort to blatant bribery in order to manage behaviour….
For example, when in ANOTHER traffic jam adults should not succumb to feeding children as a way to manage behaviour / inconsolable crying / general tantrums.
There are several reasons for this – firstly we all know that kids in cars + food = the need for a valet asap.
Secondly – there is only so much food a child can eat before they become full and you are back at square one.
Thirdly you want those haribos for yourself. They are not for sharing.
6- Glazing over.
Adults must be in control of their child at all times. Adults must remember that they are the adults and exercise calm, patience and understanding in the face of any – and every – adversity thrown at them.
Adults should not continue to push the buggy along the prom with a screaming child (for no known reason) in it.
Adults should not have an expression which is glazed over with steely determination as they grow in affinity towards all other parents they have ever seen with a tantruming child.
Adults should not, ever, under any circumstances get to the point where they have no idea why their child is crying and, having tried absolutely everything (and recently seen the latest episode of Friday Night Dinner – which they love), turn around and tell their child to ‘shit on it’.*
*it made her laugh uncontrollably but is defiantly absolutely not recommended as a parenting technique.
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